will ascend above
the horizon, cloaking
the world with amber
to Poseidon are recommended.
SACRIFICE KING LURES VIRGIN DAUGHTER
TO DEATH USING MARRIAGE RUSE
NO GROOM, DEATH LURKS IN THE LURCH
Trousseau prepared, eagerly awaiting the celebration
of her impending marriage, royal Iphigenia virgin
daughter of King Agamemnon marched down the aisle
to her untimely early yesterday as hundreds
watched in horror. The body of the pert princess
was recovered by local divers, as yellow-robed
dawn was rising out of the river of ocean. Shocked
onlookers report the girl’s father, Agamemnon,
engineered the cruel scheme to lure the girl
to Aulis, promising her a wedding to the eligible
half-god Achilleus. When questioned, neighbors
of the deceased had this to say about the victim.
“She was a lovely girl who always wore a friendly
smile.” The near-bride wore white silk and
a wreath of gold woven by nymphs. Delphic
Meteorologists indicate the winds have been
favorable for the grieving father and mariner king.
Heretofore, I shall no longer be
responsible for debts incurred
by A.W.O.L. husband.
Penelope of Ithaca, Daughter of Ikarios.
Searching high and low for a quick and tasty treat
that will really get your guest-friend’s goat?
Try—KID ATREUS STEW! Simply dice your
your guest-friend’s progeny in olive oil
and unmixed wine, stirring the flesh
of the savory juveniles well
above a well-fed fire. Garnish
with parsley and Kalamata
olives, and serve your rivals
a meal they’ll really remember.
This message is brought to you by Atreus Palace Restaurant.
Why not stop on by for the AtreusPalace special—
Hurry, don’t wait. This week only: first curse on the house.
Advice: Dear Oracle
I am hoping you can draw on your infinite wisdom to help me
with an embarrassing problem I’m having with my wife.
It is difficult for me to discuss this
problem with anyone, as I am a King and Hero of some renown.
My wife has been acting strangely. It all began when she invited
a mad scientist into the palace. I’ll call him “Daedelus”
(not his real name). It seems they’ve been working on a project
in the basement. I should mention that my wife is expecting.
I’m starting to become suspicious. Are they fooling around
down there? She spends hours down there and sometimes
has this cow-eyed look at the end of the day. Normally a slender
woman, she recently experienced a dramatic weight gain and
Just informed me she is expecting. Is she horsing around
with scientist? I need to get the middle of this! I am at my wit’s end!
King But Not Man Enough
Dear King But Not Man:
I advise you to check out the palace for oversized sex toys and other
erotic contraptions, and to give some thought to investing in a large crib.
As for getting to the middle of this—honey, you don’t want to
get to the middle of it. Keep a red cape on hand—and give that batty
scientist his walking papers A.S.A.P. And tell ’em M.Y.O.B. from me.
Spartans shut out Asians early in the game.
Romans closed in remained 1st in the League,
licked Asiatics, traded Ugly Death for 2nd Round
Draft Picks: Women and Sheep.
In Trojan War Action—
It was a magnificent spectacle!
There were pom-poms
and dithyrambs at Half-Time.
Ajax was Poetry in Motion.
Fending off rumors of a scandal,
“Broadway Paris” took off
with the wife of a rival coach.
Sports fans selected Menelaos of
the great war cry as this week’s
“media hog.” Picking up the pieces
of his broken dreams, he began
Life as a free agent, taking
consolation in a six-figure
multi-million drachmae deal
and the promise of lucrative
But the real Man of the Hour,
Day, Month and Year, voted game
M.V.P., was the god-like Achilleus,
who tasted the raw thrill
of sweet victory. The temperamental
demi-god (renown throughout Argos
for his off-season high jinx and work
as a moody musician) had dropped
out of the lineup. The brooding
player watched the dramatic
events unfold from the sidelines.
for the wondrous Achilleus,
close personal friend and team-
mate Patroklos was pulled off
the field in the top of the 16th.
Batting cleanup, was the mighty
half-god himself, who returned
to the field of contention
with moments to spare—
just in time to lead his fellow Greeks
to a solid win. The final score was
Achians All. Trojans Nothing.
In the gruesome face of deadly battle,
in the awesome visage of bittersweet defeat,
Hektor of the shining helm charged like a Pegasus,
stung like a scorpion, went the distance,
22 rounds of sheer punishment at the hands of
the Mighty Achian! —
Achilleus took the T.K.O. by decision,
awaited word from the oracle for confirmation
of the decision, rushing off for an
Epson salt soak and whirlpool
for a foot injury had this to say:
“I owe it all to my manager,
the grey-eyed Athena.”
—On a lighter note—
on this day in Sport’s History, G.G.O.W.,
the Glamorous Goddesses of Wrestling,
cream of the pussy-
cat pugilist crop, went at it
on scenic Mount Olympus as
the deathless and beauteous
babes of bald-faced bellicosity vied
for the coveted Golden Apple Award
presented by judge and jury,
Broadway Paris himself,
to the loveliest apple-grappling deity.
Aphrodite, finalist in the swimsuit category,
took the grand prize.
A disgruntled Hera cried out: “F— the ump!”
as the winner volunteered, “I already have!”
A vicious melee then ensued among
the frenzied crowd who came out
for the immortal maulers. The normally
cool-headed Athena intervened,
Jumped into the fray to join
her half-sister in some tag-team action.
The crowd went wild calling out,
“Cream ’er Athener!”
This is Herotodus Hercules, coming to you
From the Legendary Mount Olympus
With “In Sports Today.”
MOTHER SLAYS OWN TWO TOTS
IN VENGEANCE BLOOD SPREE
The distraught mother of two distraught
over the betrayal of philandering common-
law spouse, Jason (of Golden Fleece fame),
slaughtered her two children today in what
witnesses describe as “a bloodbath.”
When reporters reached Jason, father of
the slain youths, for comment, he had this to say
about the tragedy: “Certainly, my wife overreacted.”
Referring to his newly acquired bride/concubine,
Jason added: “She meant nothing to me. She was
just some girl I picked up while pillaging.”
Casualties include the local princess
Cruesa, whom reputed bigamist Jason recently took
as his bride.
As part of a cold-blooded revenge scenario,
the unbalanced assailant stalked her rival for weeks
before presenting the would-be bride with a
purported nuptial gift and “peace offering”—
a golden couture gown which gleamed like
a jealous sun.
The victim perished immediately upon donning
the garment. Corinthian P.D. working closely
with Athenian Homicide Units finally caught up
with the alleged assailant today.
She was spotted driving recklessly, erratically
maneuvering an airborne vehicle led by winged
dragons. The responding officers were
unable at first to subdue the perpetrator, whom
they characterized as “emotionally disturbed.”
Medea was taken into custody following a high-
speed chase. She was arraigned will be detained until
The Delphic Oracle can complete an evaluation to
determine whether the accused perpetrator, Medea
is fit to stand trial before the wrathful Eumenides.
From AROUND OLYMPUS
The Slut that Launched a Thousand Sailors
Latest reports confirm that mega-tussle
we’ve all been hearing a lot about lately
was sparked off by none other than
the Insatiable Spartan Bombshell.
That’s right kids, Helen of Troy
met a handsome Prince on the beach
and decided it might be fun to explore
the lifestyles of the Royal and Barbarous.
Love-struck Hero Back in Action
Speaking of boys… Remember all the fuss
between Agamemnon and his Numero Uno,
‘Ace in the Hole’ Achilleus? Well, we have it
on good authority that Achilleus has decided to
rejoin the war already in progress, a decision
hastened by his bereavement over the sudden death
of his very special thisclose fellow soldier,
Patroklos… Don’t you just love a sentimentalist?
Wine God Busted in Mountain Raid
Celebulush Bacchus was nabbed, once again, charged
with drunken disorderly, sexual misconduct,
and endangerment of local beasts… Boys will be boys…
Protest Gals Nix Sex: Crossed Legs Over Arms
Undisclosed sources around the islands
report that Lysistrata and her bevy of crusader
beauties against arms are still going strong.
Yes, those civic-minded glamour gals of anti-
Peloponnesian war protest are continuing
to hold out—What a serious bunch!
(Keep those legs crossed, girls…)
Merry Widow Dons Black, Trysts Shrouded in Secrecy
Which Queen whose King died suddenly in the bath
(the most dangerous room in the home)
has given up her Widow’s Black for a black Merry Widow?
Well, according to intimates of the Royal Family
the only black her Mournful Majesty is wearing of late
is that of her raciest laciest lingerie
designed to get a rise out of her next victim.
Not only that, but Her Majesty’s loyal, royal
and so very pulchritudinous knockout sister
has rushed to defend of the scandal-plagued
Queen. Hoping to set the record straight,
the queen’s controversial sister had this
to say in an exclusive interview with
Around Olympus. “I give you my solemn vow that
Clytaemestra is, and always has been,
as faithful and loving a wife as I!”
(Well, thank you Helen.)
And now, this is your swift-winged messenger god,
Hermes, clasping your knees, reminding you:
all really is fair in love and war! And leaving you
with these important words: “Don’t bite my
head off, honey; I’m just the messenger!”
Read Michele Madigan Somerville’s poetry blog at http://www.michelemadigansomerville.com/.